Sex Sex Sex

Who Needs A Vibrator When You’ve Got An iPhone?


I think it’s truly important to Be Proud Of Your Vibrator, after all, who does it better than your battery-powered friend? I’d like to think that there is a man in this world who has the ability to make his penis do the same things that vibrators have the talent to do, but unless you’re using a vibrating cock ring, which doesn’t really do much other than make you feel like you’re riding a mechanical bull that has a mechanical issue… you’re probably not going to get the same satisfaction from a penis that you would from your little battery-powered buddy.

About two months ago I became sober from the Blackberry “crackberry” addiction and got an iPhone 4. Switching to an iPhone helped me with a number of different things.

  • I learned who my real friends are. Now that people don’t have me as a BBM (Blackberry messenger) contact, they can’t see my status and know where I am, who I’m with and what inside joke I want to boast about, and they can’t see my BBM picture. Therefore they don’t know much about what I do and they can’t aimlessly BBM me about bullshit. Truth is, people are too lazy to text or call anymore, so they just BBM all day long. However, with an iPhone, people who want to speak to me, have to text or call me… and disturbing as it is, fewer people contact me now than they did when I had a Blackberry.
  • iPhone are less painful for your hands. I have a friend who is 22-years-old and fully has carpal tunnel in her hands from BBMing and being on her Blackberry so much. Some may say she wouldn’t have that fucking problem if she got off her phone, but nowadays everyone is on their phones, all the damn time. Surely you can use your thumbs to type on an iPhone, but it’s more comfortable to hold the iPhone and type than it is to tap tap tap on your Blackberry phone. iPhone works by touching buttons, with a Blackberry you need to press them down… doesn’t seem like a big difference but it feels like one.
  • No one bothers me anymore. Since people can’t see my statuses, pictures and know my business, they don’t bother me that often anymore unless they are truly my friends and want to speak to me, not just because they’re curious about who the guy is in my BBM picture and what that quote in my status pertains to.
  • The iPhone is a vibrator. Need I say more?

If you have an iPhone, I suggest you download iBrate… immediately. It is an iPhone app that officially made my day today. I woke up this morning and checked out 10 Sex Toys In Disguise on [TheFrisky]. I was fascinated, especially when I told my best friend I found a vibrating rubber ducky online, and she responded, “I have that!”

One of the things they mentioned was the iPhone app called iBrate that you can download from the app store, simply by searching iBrate. It turns your handy dandy iPhone into a lovely vibrating clitoral stimulating machine!

Whether you’re sitting in class, at work in your lonely pathetic cubicle, or alone in your office with porn on your screen saver, life just got a bit easier.  Put your phone in between your legs and relax, take a breather and prepare for ecstasy. Like iBrate says, “Touch with 1,2, or 3 fingers to start the vibrations.” (that’s what she said.)

Just a piece of advice… I do not suggest replacing your vibrator(s) with your iPhone… it’s somewhat disturbing to think about how much time you spend with your phone plastered against your face, or in someone elses hands, when it spends so much time in between your legs and up against your vagina. Use your vibrator when you’re naked … use your phone when you’ve got clothes on.

If you were thinking about getting an iPhone before, I’m sure you’re sold after reading this. If not, Just Blau Me.

13 replies »

  1. If you think a guy with a cock ring on is “mechanical bull” with a “mechanical issues” then your sex life must suck ass.

  2. Haha this totally works…up until I got the latest iphone, the 5s. It’s vibrate is so faint that it doesn’t work at all anymore :(. I can always attach a rubber band to it XD.

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