Masturbation is a healthy part of our self-sexuality, but managing it when you live with someone, especially a partner can be quite awkward. It’s one thing to masturbate in your respective rooms when you have roommates, but what do you do when you have to share a bed?
When it comes to masturbation, we all have different preferences. According to statistics, masturbation is most common amongst men and women ages 25-29 [SexualityAndU].
This is also a very typical age for both men and women who are dating to typically move in with each other before taking the relationship to the next step. It’s important to know that people of all ages masturbate, even the elderly!
One awkward problem that plenty of couples find themselves facing is how to manage masturbation when they move in together. You went from living separately, to sharing everything, including your bathroom and bedroom.
True Story #1:
One woman who came to me for advice told me that after she and her man moved in together, she noticed that her boyfriend was taking very long showers and always wanted it as alone time. She found this very strange as they used to shower together when they lived apart but had sleepovers. I encouraged her to delicately bring it up in discussion and ask why he did this? What changed? I instructed her to make sure she doesn’t do it in a judgmental fashion, but to simply seem curious. I told her to say something like, “Hey babe– we always used to shower together! How come you don’t like to do it anymore?” Even if he doesn’t bring it up, it opens the floor for discussion and she could then say, “I don’t want to seem presumptuous, but are you using it as time for you to jerk off?” Sure enough, he was embarrassed to tell her, but ever since they moved in he had been using his “shower time” as his masturbation time! Once they talked about it, and practiced my masturbation rules, they started sharing the shower, and finding better places and times to masturbate!
Masturbation Rules For Your Relationship
Talk about it. Masturbation is an awkward thing to talk about, especially since not everyone does it, nor is comfortable having it as a topic of conversation. But, think of it this way, you’d rather talk about it and know what to expect, than catch your partner masturbating and getting upset about it. Sex is easiest and most comfortable when it involves secure conversation between both partners. Make sure to bring it up, ask questions like, “do you masturbate?” and “do you watch porn?” Everyone has different preferences, and it’s important that both partners do not feel judged when being pleasured alone, or together. Some people are also comfortable with the idea of their partner masturbating, but just prefer not to know about it! We’re all our own creatures, we all have different preferences, whether they make sense to each other or not.
Set a time to do it. Many people like to masturbate in an effort to fall asleep at night, which can be awkward if you and your partner have the same bedtime. (For partners who don’t, this is great, except for the partner who comes home later, or the partner who wakes up earlier–read the next one if this is you). Sometimes, some people actually like to masturbate in the morning to get their day going. When it comes to masturbating, it can be awkward walking in on someone, so I am not telling you not to do it, but I will suggest you try to find a time when your partner doesn’t have to worry about seeing it, thus feeling excluded or inadequate.
Leave little evidence. It’s important to be open and honest with your partner, but there is an undoubtable sense of guilt that is culturally partnered with feelings of inadequacy that a partner may feel when they know their other partner is masturbating or has. Masturbation is a way to pleasure oneself, and while it’s okay to self-soothe, it can sometimes leave the other partner feeling left out of sexual pleasure; especially considering that sexual pleasure is a source of intimacy and a feeling of connectivity between partners. Masturbating may be pleasurable, but it is important to be aware that sometimes in couples one partner tends to feel as if the other partner prefers masturbation over person to person sexual contact–another reason why communication is so important. The less evidence left behind after masturbation such as: boxers, socks or towels with semen on them, sex toys left out, or even porn left up on a computer, the less chance that your partner will feel inadequate because they won’t know!
Meet Charles and Sarah. These two have been dating for about 2 years when they finally move in together. They have a very communicative and comfortable sex life, and they both masturbate alone and together and are aware of this. However, Charles is an investment banker and works very late nights, leaving Sarah to often fall asleep without her partner. Charles enjoys masturbating more often than Sarah, as his sex drive is, let’s say, a bit more driven than hers. Every morning when Sarah gets up to go to work, she sees Charles’s computer in the living room and the pillows on the couch are not the way she left them. It upsets her, as it is a reminder that she’s too tired to have sex when he comes home, and he watches porn before bed. Sarah is okay knowing that her partner watches porn and masturbates, but to avoid feelings of inadequacy, which commonly come with masturbation, she asks Charles to make a point to put the living room back how she left it on the nights that he jerks off before going to sleep. Sure enough, after Sarah asks Charles to do this, she no longer feels left out and is completely comfortable with his masturbation schedule.
Do it together. Masturbation is defined as: the stimulation or manipulation of one’s own genitals, especially to orgasm; sexual self-gratification [Dictionary.com]. While it is known as pleasuring one’s own vagina or penis, it is still something that couples can do together when you’re either not in the mood to have sexual intercourse, or it can be used as a form of foreplay! It may seem a bit out of the box, but masturbating with your partner can be an erotic and a satisfying opportunity for both parties involved. This is also a great form of sexual pleasure for couples to consider when a woman is on her period. Clitoral stimulation can be quite orgasmic, and does not require any type of insertion.
Don’t do it in the same room if your not doing it together. Masturbating in a room with your partner is great if you’re doing it together, but not so much if only one of you is taking part in it. This is a very easy way to turn someone off, make someone uncomfortable, and even feel undesirable. I’ve heard of plenty of times where a partner is sleeping and wakes up to their partner either using a vibrator, moaning, or jerking off, and it typically results in a great deal of frustration on one end and embarrassment on the other. Long story short, do not do it in bed or in the room with your partner if they are not included. Bad news bears.
Know your limits! Masturbation can actually be addicting; it releases endorphins and dopamine, which are feel good chemicals in the brain. Over time, your body can become dependent on these chemicals and it is this desire that can cause an addiction. Masturbation is like anything else in like, good in moderation. If you’re becoming dependent on masturbation for pleasure, including or excluding pornography, it may be in your best interest to take a break or maybe even see someone. Over masturbation can also cause weak erection, difficulty in orgasm by other means of pleasure, hormonal imbalance, chronic fatigue, stress and there is even some scientific evidence that supports over masturbation can cause acne!