Relationships & Dating

The REAL Reason People Cheat

“It’s not you, it’s me”

How many times have you heard this? These famous last words of so many failed relationships, highlighted in our favorite movies and TV shows for as long as we can remember.

Screen Shot 2018-08-06 at 6.26.58 PM.pngMany of us have been taught that these five words mean nothing and have become a predictable and easy excuse or “out” when breaking up with our partner. However, there might be more behind this so called “break up line” that’s worth taking a deeper look into.

We have been taught that when it comes to infidelity and affairs in a committed, monogamous relationship, it means that there is usually something lacking in the partnership itself, leaving blame and regret weighing on the partner who was cheated on.


Betrayal and affairs actually indicates something lacking within the person who is cheating, thus shining significant light on “it’s not you, it’s me”… 

This turn of events explains why the “cheater” usually blames the person they are cheating on. Making it as if it’s their partner’s fault that they chose to go out of the relationship. However, it’s really all about them exploring what they are missing within themselves that they seek to fulfill out of the partnership instead of confronting themselves within their partnership. Remember, it is much easier to point the finger at someone else than it is to point the finger at the self, but it is when you look at the self that you can actually grow.

 “A frightened man has no loyalty to anyone—

except the person he’s afraid of at the moment!”

David Schnarch 

The problems in a relationship may result from a partner’s personal issues. Personal issues within the deceiver might deal with fear of intimacy, insecurity, or shifts in life circumstances, which may lead to a path of self-destructive behavior, i.e. cheating.

When a partner is feeling down on themselves or having that moment of exploring what is lacking from within, they might try sleeping with others to improve their self-esteem, explore their sense of independence or increase their social status.

Cheating is hardly ever just about sex. For individuals in long-term committed relationships, cheating is often about searching for themselves and what might be missing in their current relationship.

People also assume that it’s only men who cheat and go out of the relationship. ALL people cheat, regardless of their gender orientation or relationship status. Infidelity doesn’t discriminate!

It’s time we change the repetitive cheating narrative that has long broken too many relationships and left too many people unfound. Having a meaningful connection with your partner starts with having a solid connection with yourself. Get to know who you are. Instead of looking for the answers of who we are and what we are missing outside of our relationships, we need to confront ourselves within our relationships.

So the next time you hear, “it’s not you, it’s me,” sit comfortably knowing that, yes, even if that person may not know it or believe at that time, it is in fact them missing something within themselves.

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